Degrees of doubt and degrees of discontent

Fear not, Mr. President, you may not speak the language of the King but you speak the language of the heart 

• A Christmas letter to AKD

Dear Mr. President,

Firstly, a very Merry Christmas to you and yours. This year it must be a very different Christmas for you. You seem to have been a good boy and Santa came early for you. All your Christmases came at once. It is good to see that now you are playing Santa Claus and distributing goodies all around. Some are gleefully dreaming of their bright and shiny new cars in the near future! Hopefully you are making sure that all those naughty little boys and girls who brought our country down to the lowest ebb will also receive their just desserts in due course.

It’s just been three months that you have been riding the sleigh and what a ride it has been. The economy seems to be doing well and so too the stock markets. Many are pleased with the progress of the rupee too as their children’s overseas degree fees will be easier to bear. The IMF masters seem to be liking your change of heart and are going with your ideas. It’s been a little over a month that your 159 little elves joined you and seem to be working with their heads down.

Talking of degrees, it appears that one of your little elves has been a tad disingenuous. This has brought about a degree of discontent among some. In soccer parlance it is referred to as an ‘own goal’ – that is when one of your own team scores a goal against the team. How could this happen? One wonders if cracks are beginning to appear in your otherwise solid defence.

However, the good thing about this unfortunate incident is that all the players on the field are now scrambling to check out their credentials – rightfully earned or surreptitiously claimed.

However, Mr. President the whole episode appears to be much ado about nothing. There is absolutely no educational criteria for being in Parliament. After all, there have been chain-snatchers, murderers, illicit brewers, rogues, philanderers and the like – with absolutely no certificate of worth – occupying the very same seats that are now being occupied by a plethora of eminently qualified men and women. The whole saga blew up over the egotistic Sri Lankan characteristic of pretence – ‘boru-show’ in the vernacular. Had this not been the case nothing would have happened and the Honourable Speaker would have been sitting pretty!

Just a note of caution Mr. President. Lankans love to flaunt their highest level credentials. It should not surprise you that in all probability Sri Lanka has the highest number of ‘Doctors’ per capita. And these are not of the medical type whom you wish there were more of. But those claiming various other (and sometimes dubious) expertise. It may not come as a surprise that there may be in Parliament those with doctorates in ‘sesquipedalian’ – the overuse of big words when speaking! It certainly must be the case that the Sri Lankan parliament has the highest numbers of ‘Doctors’ of any legislative chamber in the world. Parliamentary chatter must be like being in a hospital with the word ‘doctor’ flowing thick and fast. You should have picked a few more CIMA accountants who quietly go about adding value.

Mr President you are however not of that false demeanour. You do not need alphabets before or after your name to command respect. Your down to earth presence is sufficient. It is noted that even though your Presidential travel requires you fly in business class, you miss the hustle, bustle and chatter at the back of the plane. That is the type of man you are. Stay that way and never lose the common touch.

That being said you should have cared for your dear mother better than to let her stand in that hospital queue although that would have been the way she wanted it. However, it may give your detractors a chance to say that if you do not care for you mother how would you care for rest of the community? Your point however could mean that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Your first international Presidential visit was impressive – you held your own and hopefully with more such international forays you will once again put Sri Lanka on the global stage. Fear not, Mr. President, you may not speak the language of the King but you speak the language of the heart. Just one little word of advice……. When inspecting a guard of honour, you should keep in step with the aide-de-camp – the officer accompanying you. You are known to walk quite fast, but you need to change. As Commander-in-chief get one of your best drill sergeants to give you a bit of practice. They will oblige.

Finally, Mr. President when handing out Christmas presents to your team include some books on modern world geography. It is important to know politically correct country names when playing on the international stage to avoid embarrassment.

We wish you and all our fellow countrymen a bright and prosperous 2025.

Yours Sincerely,

Your humble subjects 

of Mother Lanka

(The author, former Global President of CIMA, is an Australian citizen of Sri Lankan descent and is not a dual citizen but closely follows the happenings in his motherland.)