The acid tests for a nation on the cusp of a crisis plus

HOUSE – avoid it like the plague? – Pic by Shehan Gunasekara

In daily life, we all face tests. Facing life itself can be a test these days. Especially, if you have to wear a facemask walking, shopping, or driving. Or, if you belong to the political class, attending funerals! 

So everyone faces tests. Examinations for students, drug tests for athletes, temperature checks for just about everyone wishing to enter a mall or market. Oh yes, and election results for politicos. The acid tests for each of these is to pass… except in the last case. There the norm is not to prove one’s merit but avoid losing another opportunity to cheat, steal, lie; and in many other ways, feather one’s nest – while loudly proclaiming one’s virtue to the world.

In the spirit of life after lockdown, here’s a take-home test for citizens facing COVID-19 as much as the corruption, chicanery, chauvinism and cravenness of their callous local politico. Take it at home, observe all the ordinary safety precautions, and if your mask falls off – well, like your elected representative, you could always claim that it’s a vile conspiracy to undermine native wit and endemic culture.  

1. PREPARATION.

As always, first wash your hands. Then put on your facemask if you don’t want plug-uglies on bikes asking you intrusive questions. And now, you’re ready to attempt answers, which is more than many politicos are able, ready or willing to do!

2. TICK THE BOXES. Which of the following statements are true? 

(If you’re apolitical, a simple tick will do. If civics and governance are your speciality, you may mark the preferred option with a cross. If you think that the statement is wrong, place a cross there anyway – it’s what most people do every once in five or six years in any case. Or used to do in the good old days when elections were held as a sign of our belonging to the civilised world rather than being a banana republic.)

a. A sign of our ancient civilisation is that so many of our politicos are over 2,500 years old. (Extra marks if you can draw a smiling, ‘sartorially distinguishable’ caricature of one of these ancients. If you’re Sajith, you’ll know what this means.)

b. ‘Banana republic’ is not a nice thing, no? But ‘coconut-dashing island-nation’ is perhaps a better description? (If you’re having difficulty figuring this out, don’t bother – it’s in your best interests to pass…)

c. China is the answer to all life’s problems. (For extra credit, they’ll provide some bonus problems for you to solve as well…) 

d. Donald Trump makes some Cabinet Spokespersons look good, and vice versa.

e. Everything will be all right in the end, because – elections, no? (No. Trick question. Be smart. Be savvy. At least act like you care what’s going on in the SC FR cases.) 

3. MCQ. Pick the statement that sounds most right. 

(Pl note that there may be more than one right response.)

a. Administratively speaking, it is advisable to approve public finance through:

i. A band of brothers.

ii. Banana Republic & Co.

iii. The slow boat to Cathay (q.v.).

b. Balance of payments is best affected/effected by:

i. Asking Govt. to cough up the truth about the state of the economy, as a creaky sneaky not-so-squeaky-clean former prime minister has done. 

ii. Balance of payments, what balance of payments? We’re a banana republic: we pay in cash; as long as the ship carrying the currency has sufficient space!

iii. Chinese aid, loan, grant, waiver, seizure, exchange, colonising options. 

c. Checks and balances between branches of government means:

i. I write you a cheque for the balance of the payoff I owe you, as cash leaves a nasty trail, especially if your business partners are like Who Flung Dung.

ii. Am I my brothers’ keeper? (Yes, the apostrophe is in the right place.)

iii. The ability of a kept media to rubber-stamp all embarrassing faux-pas committed by the one arm of the stronger branch that’s active as of now.

4. PICK THE RIGHT ’UN. Choose from among the options given in below. 

a. “All the president’s mien” means:

i. A band of brothers.

ii. The chief executive is a meanie.

iii. It’s a typo… appoint a special presidential commission to investigate it.

b. The key reason for the recent import ban is:

i. Fiscal. It’s the economy, stupid. 

ii. Physical. It’s black market ‘mudalalis’ and their political ‘mentors’ on the make.

iii. Fabulous. Ever heard the phrase ‘Made in Cathay’? (Use an atlas if you like.)

c. The three Ms on which MS and MR failed to capitalise effectively but may now be given a second stab at swinging it to consolidate that elusive majority are:

i. Men, machines, movements.

ii. Money, media, ministry of defence. 

(Um… on second thoughts, don’t answer that…)

iii. Military, militant monks, majoritarianism.

(Erm… that’s four Ms – but never mind…)

d. What do you say to crowds of people at a recent political funeral who dismally failed to observe the very same physical distancing demanded by government – on the pain of arrest for failure to do so?

i. “All animals are created equal.”

ii. “Some people are created more equal than others.”

iii. “It’s your funeral.”

5. A. ESSAY I. Whither democracy? Test. Trace. Isolate. Appoint a special task force with a retired general-staff officer as its commandant to track down those who spell it ‘wither democracy’ and arrest them. Ignore those who spell ‘democracy’ like this… ‘despotism’.

B. ESSAY II. What is the ‘PINE’ doctrine in relation to minorities in a pluralistic society? Explore the nexus between Protect and Exploit, explaining how the two may not be mutually exclusive. Don’t ignore or neglect the Ignore or Neglect dimensions of good-neighbourly relations, and how civil society can turn a blind eye and still sleep soundly at night. 

6. SHORT ANSWERS.

a. In the light of the pandemic, what is the solution to all our problems? 

(Be brief. Take pains to avoid being sycophantic – it won’t score you any brownie-points worth cashing in. Not in the long run. Not with these, erm, gentlemen.)

b. Are you in favour of democracy, warts and all, or a militarised bureaucracy without recourse to courts in general or constitutional government in particular? 

(Be clear. Be crystal-clear – soon will come a time when this question won’t be worth asking or answering if we carry on like this: you and I, media, civil society; the whole kit and caboodle we call polite society – and possibly over half of those 6.9 million…)

c. What can be done short of 

i. committing treason or 

ii. committing suicide or 

iii. a combination of the two to restore the rule of law and order over the rule of law by order? 

(Be careful. Treason is defined by a rum sort of triumvirate these days…)

d. Explain why – bar a rash of FR cases – the political opposition is singularly lacking in testicular fortitude under the rule of governors entirely great and grim.

e. Explode how Caesarism and its ‘gospel’ – the good news of peace and plenty, as well as safety and security, under saviours – has got the electorate by its short and curlies.  

Done? Well done! Next… the practical tests – able, ready, willing to go the distance under the ‘new normal’? (Half a point off for every time you utter this phrase!)

[Journalist (“I know nothing.”) | Editor-at-Large of LMD | Writer | Student of politics since 1994]