Kotaudagama’s finest speaks out

Saturday, 13 July 2013 00:01 - - {{hitsCtrl.values.hits}}

Kotaudagama, in the little country of Arsikland, used to be a small nondescript rural village. That is until its equally nondescript village politician Chaminda Pusswedilla, with a little bit of luck and mass “defecations” by his fellow Parliamentarians, ended up becoming Opposition Leader and then out of the blue – and mainly through his own machinations and shrewdness – President of the country. These days Kotaudagama’s famous first son is known not only among Arsikland’s populace, but the world over for his political astuteness, his ability to turn his many troubles into unforeseen opportunity and his willingness to solve first world problems with his very own home-grown third world logic. Pusswedilla counts many heads of state and celebrities as his personal acquaintances who constantly look to him for tips on how to stay ahead of the game, of which he is of course the world’s foremost expert. From among his numerous accomplishments to date, many experts are of the opinion that Pusswedilla’s political coup de grace was his single-handed destruction and incapacitation of any organised opposition to his rule. The Weekend FT was given an exclusive interview with the rambunctious Head of State to find out his secrets to absolute power and being President. Following are excerpts: By David Ebert Q: About your somewhat-meteoric rise from a simple rural politician in Kotaudagama to Arsikland’s highest office. Did you always want to become President and at what point in your life did you start believing that you would? A: My only intrest has been to serving peeples. Not serving peeples like serving food in a restorent but serving as in making the peeples life full of milks and honey flowings. Even in my smoll days when I went to birthday day party I gave only a kiri muttiya and a pani bottel for the gift. When I was starting doing politics only I knew that someday I can be President and serving my peeples even better. Lot of peeples told me that in Pilitics you must wait in line and the turn will come but I knew that to be a sucksess I had to cut the line or make a new line and that is what I did and that’s how I became President. Q: Has being President of a country changed you much from the person you were in Kotaudagama? A: I am still the same persen that I was in Kotaudagama. I still eat the same things and like to do the same things. Only different is that when I go somewhere there are about 3,000 Pusswedilla Secoority Divishen fellows who make shure that I am safe. Olso smoll change is that when I was in my village Kotaudagama, I used to have lunchings and dinnerings with my village peeples but now sometimes I am lunchings with Italiyan Prime Minister, sometimes with the japanees lokka, sometimes with my frend Obermer. Q: Most people would agree that the concept of absolute power has a slightly uncomfortable undertone to it. Do you acknowledge that absolute power can be dangerous, and if so, what would prevent you from abusing power? A: I must disagree with you. ‘Most peeples’ is very confusing. Who are these ‘most peeples’? Do you have a list of these peeples? Naa ney? That is what I am saying. For every persen who says that absolute pwer is dangeros I will show you 10 peeple who say that absolute power is absolutely nessesary. Olso have you seen the qollity of our Members of Parliament? Do you really want them to be in charge of making the desishens? Politics is about opening doors and making things happen. You know that my MPs can’t even find the right door to open. Q: In your opinion what are your country’s most pressing issues right now and what do you propose as solutions to them? A: Pressing isshoos have been there. Now, when peeples are going in the bus or in the trane you must not press on other peeples. This olso colled the Jak Gaseema. Very bad thing to do. I have told the poleece fellows to catch oll pressing peeples and sort out oll pressing matters. Q: Amidst all the public criticism, your public approval ratings remain high. What is your formula for keeping a populace happy? A: As my good frend Ussen Boltings once told me. Boltings said, “Machang Puss” and I said, “Ado Bolting, you know who I am?” and then Bolting said, “Sorry, Your Excellency Pusswedilla, in any race you don’t have to be the best to win, you just have to be slightly better than everyone else in the race.” This is very true. My publicks will olways be happy with me becose when they are unhappy with me oll they have to do is look at the alternative they have.

Q: You’ve managed to systematically, within a short space of time in power, weaken any political opposition to your rule. Having once been quite an effective opposition leader yourself not very long ago, in your opinion what qualities define a good opposition leader? A: I think what makes a really good oposishen leeder is the ability to remane as opposishen leeder for a long time. It’s like a battingsman in test cricket, you must stay at the creese for a long time even if you are not scoring any runs. And my opposishen leeder is one of the best! Q: Finally, is the country headed in the right direction politically? A: Country is hedding in the right direckshen in oll maters. Politically, Arsikland has a strong leeder who is liking his job so much he wants to do it for a long, long time. Soshelly, peeples are meeting other peeples and becumming frends oll the time. Sporting fellows are wining (sometimes loosing, but I can’t help that ne?) economically, oll peeples are using less electrics and olso becose food is high price oll peeples are now eating olso less, this meens that Arsikland has no problem with obeesity (which meens getting so fat that you can see your feet when you are standing). Now see, in Amerika this obeesity is big problems and Obermer’s Hamine trying to get peeples to eat less.