Sunday Oct 06, 2024
Sunday Oct 06, 2024
Saturday, 27 July 2013 00:00 - - {{hitsCtrl.values.hits}}
factors that contribute to general compatibility. It’s fundamentally a good strategy and I’ve seen many arranged marriages work out magnificently. However, these are people who were lucky enough to be approached by sensible parties with parallel views and interests.
Speaking from a woman’s point of view, based on the experiences of some of my female friends and my own, there are some men who seem to take the whole idea of compatibility too far and they believe that there’s a woman who has been custom-built just for them. They concoct peculiar criteria and disclose this to their parents, who then begin their search, scrutinising each prospective bride based on these criteria. Consequently they reject every nice girl who comes their way, confident that they will get the custom-built one soon.
I was with a few friends the other day and one of the girls started talking about a marriage proposal that her parents had brought for her that weekend, how meticulous the bridegroom’s parents were when ‘interviewing’ her and how creepy the bridegroom was. We started laughing while reminiscing about the proposals that each of us have had to face. At points of the conversation we laughed hysterically at the crazy ones but at points we were just appalled at the way some families look for brides.
I’ve had these discussions with quite a few people actually and they’ve been bugging me to write about these proposals – partly to bring to light the perturbing nature of some proposals – and partly for the sheer entertainment. After some hesitance, I agreed. I can only choose a handful of cases to write about here though, because in order to fit in every weird proposal that came our way, I’d have to write a book – there are alarmingly too many nuts out there looking for brides.
I decided to make a compilation of some of the proposals, categorising them into case studies – it might make it easier for the psychiatrists to deal with them. Names haven’t been mentioned but the stories are real. I must hasten to add that this is not an attack on men collectively, just the misguided ones that my friends and I have come across.
Case Study 01: Mr. Fair & Lovely
This proposal came up when the guy was abroad, so representatives from his family who were here went to the girl’s house to check her out on his behalf. They had never met this guy but they assumed he was really handsome by the way his family looked at the girl as she walked into the living room – their jaws dropped as if an ugly ogre had just walked in. They looked at her very carefully from head to toe in silence, observing her every move, as she sat there feeling really awkward and thinking, “Is this much of scrutiny really necessary?” At first her family couldn’t understand why they were giving such disapproving looks because she’s not that hideous. My deduction is they came looking for a model but found a human instead.
This girl, in her thirties, has actually frequently been complimented as being good-looking and has had her line-up of admirers but I guess just good-looking wasn’t good enough for our presumably drop-dead gorgeous 50-year-old divorced hunk. His sister had in fact commented that the girl was not dazzling enough for him. Also, it wasn’t enough that she was a good cook, she had to be a super fabulous cook. Is he looking for a wife, a model or a chef? I hear Nigella Lawson will soon be available.
He’s the father of a 20-year-old university student but his family is proposing for him like ‘he’ was the strapping 20-year-old, stating all his demands and expectations of what his bride should be like. Oh, the fuss they had kicked up.
The couple had a few conversations on the phone, then he suddenly stopped calling. She wondered what went wrong. After some discussion and research on him, his stunningly fair complexion and obsession with perfection were the most strongly noted, and based on the feedback from his side, the conclusion was – she wasn’t the right ‘colour,’ hence the sour looks and eventual rejection. Not surprising, because the local mentality is: ‘If a man is fair-skinned, only a fair maiden deserves to marry him’. I’m not saying that every fair-skinned man in this country thinks that way but from my observation, it’s the general trend.
So I reckon we let him sit in his own blissful little world, dreaming and anticipating the arrival of his 50-year-old fair and lovely goddess of beauty. Who knows? She might just show up some day and when she does, let’s hope she tells him: “You’re not dazzling enough for me; I think I’ll marry a Hameedia model.”
Case Study 02: Mr. I Have An Apple iPhone
This clown I presume just got rich yesterday and obsessively flaunts his new-found wealth. He wants to scream out to all the women that he’s filthy rich. He holds a high position in a reputable company so he appears to be well-accomplished as far as his career goes but his personal life is an utter flop and after meeting him, it was obvious why.
They only spoke on the phone at first. He boasted immensely about his various talents and claimed to be fluent in many languages. He tried to woo her in each language thinking she’d be impressed but quite the contrary; it annoyed her because she knew enough of French and Hindi from the movies to know that he was mispronouncing and jumbling words. He’d incorporate subtle little reminders in his conversations, so she’d know how loaded he was and how poor she was in comparison.
He’d pretend he had problems with his phone just so he can talk about it and reveal its brand: “There seems to be a problem with the settings on my new phone. It’s an ‘Apple iPhone’ but something’s wrong.” He’d also ask snotty questions: “Do you live in a luxury house? Do you have air-conditioning?” and then slide into revealing the details of his massive house, while also finding a way to include information about his two maids and two cars, one being a sports car.
Once he had to make a business trip abroad. He made little calls throughout the journey. At the airport, while chatting with her, he’d stop to ask ground staff silly questions; in the aircraft, he’d go through the fancy menu that they offer in First Class, go through the Duty Free list and talk to cabin crew, all loud enough for her to hear him. The final call for the day was on checking in at the five star hotel at 3 a.m. This whole time, all this poor girl wanted to do was sleep but had to wake up every time Sri Lanka’s Donald Trump called.
The day came when they were finally going to meet. She was reluctant because of his bizarre nature but thought she’ll give it a try. From his self-description, she expected a tall, dark and handsome athlete. What she got was a petite, pale, undernourished looking middle-aged man, with skin that was in urgent need of rejuvenation. I guess what he meant by ‘body of an athlete’ was skinny and by ‘tall and handsome’ ....okay maybe he’s just delusional.
He observed her in a very creepy way, scrolling for imperfections. When she stood up to get something, he watched her from the time she got up, walked away and came back. I can visualise Mr. Fair & Lovely doing that, but this guy? Then he started playing with his iPhone. “Let me see your phone,” he says. She quickly puts her ‘not-so-rich-people’s phone’ into her handbag. For the tenth time, he says, “I’m having trouble with the settings on this phone. It’s an Apple iPhone but there seems to be a problem with it.”
After a while he stands up to stretch. Noticing that there was music playing in the background, he starts dancing, much to her embarrassment. He sits down again, puts on his sunglasses which were also branded, looks at her, tilts his head to the side, lifts his eye brows and flashes a Casanova smile as he posed for her. At this point she thinks to herself, “When is this day going to end?”
Before leaving, he says that her gift was in his car and to come with him to get it. She thought it was odd but he insisted. She stood there irritated, while he took the gift out of his ‘Hybrid’! Ah, so that’s what that was all about. Sigh! Later, she received a text message from him. It was a ‘rejection notice’. When asked for his reason, he said: “I’m afraid you’re not tall enough for me.” What? She was rejected because she didn’t match his delusional height?
Case Study 03: Mr. Keep Texting And She Might Cave In
After a boring conversation with this weirdo on the phone, she summed him up as an absolute nerd, with selfish interests, low intellect, poor language skills and an uninteresting nature. He stated his list of requirements, one of which was she had to help him with his dreary business; then he infuriated her by starting a very ignorant and demeaning debate about women then hung up.
The next day he texted her as if nothing had happened. She replied rudely. He tried for some time to explain himself and kept sending text messages to patch things up, saying that she had misunderstood him but she remained rude and when he wasn’t getting the picture she became hostile and gave some sarcastic advice. After that he started fuming and replied, “How ridikulus of you to azzume to know someone who you doesn’t even knows. I thanks to the God for show me how you are – Arrogant woman. Anyway thanks for your ‘presiesss’ advise!” She sat there alone, reading this text and laughing hysterically because she was picturing an angry nerd looking at her in a very psychotic way, scolding her in a thick accent, enunciating the words ‘arrogant woman’. After reading it she put the phone back on her table and continued her work. A while later she took the phone to re-read that message just so she can laugh again.
She thought that was the end of that but two weeks later he tried calling again. She didn’t take his call, so he sent a few text messages still trying desperately. His texts indicated that he was under the impression that they had a ‘relationship’ although they only had that one boring conversation. She had to get rid of him so she finally replied his text. She said that everything was cool and she wasn’t angry anymore but he wasn’t her type. He said, “Okay, never mined, anyway I will never forget you.” – Pretty dramatic for someone who only had one conversation with a woman. Maybe he has a thing for women who won’t give him the time of day. Again she thought that that was the end of that but four months later he phoned and then texted again. This time she didn’t even bother replying. Hopefully he’s given up.
Case Study 04: Mr. Obey Me As I’m Your Husband
A marriage broker suddenly pops up at the doorstep with the groom himself, catching everyone off-guard. This charming young hero appears in a sarong and shirt, stating that he has given up on the pleasures of the world and has now adopted a more religious and simple lifestyle. He talks to her parents for a good half hour about the greatness of his character and his intelligence. He says that even though he only studied up to the sixth grade, he knows everything there is to know and is well-versed about the ways of the world and can take on any situation. He then asks to see the bride but the girl was in the middle of cooking dinner and refused to meet him as she didn’t appreciate the abrupt visit.
He asked if she wears this particular conservative religious attire and they said no. Then he said in a superior tone, “But if her husband tells her to wear it then she ‘must’ do it.” The girl overheard this from the kitchen and started giggling because this helped her make her decision instantly. Digging his grave further, he went on to say that he left his previous wife because she was obstinate and he couldn’t ‘tame’ her. After all the religious and noble talk, our hero then asks for dowry to expand his business. The dowry system is strongly frowned upon by the religion that he claims to be so in love with but somehow this factor had conveniently slipped his mind. Needless to say, this guy was rejected on the spot and the broker was fired.
Case Study 05: Mr. One For Home And One For The Road
This guy already has a wife but wants an extra one. He travels a lot and needs a partner to accompany him while travelling and to stay with him during his visits abroad. His present wife is busy raising his children so she can’t travel with him. He therefore wants a young and vibrant wife to take that place. He also asked if the girl lives in a posh neighbourhood because otherwise it wouldn’t look appropriate when he drives his Benz through the neighbourhood. He promises that he will treat her like a queen. So what happens when this queen also wants to have children?
Case Study 06: Mr. Who Are Your Connections?
This misguided soul thinks that social status and rich relatives are the secrets to a happy marriage. His mother spoke on his behalf, to the girl’s mother and she didn’t ask a single question about her character; she was more interested in her social background. She asked, “What is your class?” and her mother was clueless as to what she meant. So she clarified, “Are you from a ‘high class’ or ‘middle class’ family?” Then she asked about her connections and if they were related to very rich and influential people. Even though the girl’s family background is fine, she was so sickened by this attitude that she turned down the proposal instantly.
Case Study 07: Mr. The West Is The Enemy
This one must be a Taliban reject. He is convinced that all undesirable practices stem from Western influence. Having heard that the girl is slightly ‘Western’ in her attire and preferences, he doubts her character and starts throwing accusations at her over the phone. He says: “So, I heard you were living abroad. You must have had many boyfriends. You must be very busy partying most nights. If you marry me, you probably won’t care about the husband and would be having affairs all over town. That’s the way it is in Western countries, so since you are supporting them so much, you must be just like them.”
He just goes on and on and repeats himself like a broken record. After a few wasteful exchanges, she could see that this was a pointless conversation. He goes on to say, “After you marry me, you can’t go to work – I will not permit it. You ‘must’ pray, you ‘must’ fast (which she already does anyway) and gave a list of things that she ‘must’ do, to which she replied, “You ‘must’ be institutionalised,” and hung up.
Case Study 08: Mr. I Love Only Long-Haired Girls
This one doesn’t ask anything about the girl except, “How long is her hair?” The mother asks mockingly, “How long do you want it to be?” He replies, “The longer the better. These days you can’t tell the difference between men and women because women have such short hair. The real beauty in a woman is in her long flowing hair.” He practically gives a speech on the importance and beauty of long flowing hair. Utterly bored, the mother says she has shoulder-length hair and the nut announces his rejection. The mother laughs and hangs up. He must have been a barber in his past life.
Case Study 09: Mr. Blue Chip Company
His parents explain that he holds an executive position in a blue chip company, earns a handsome salary and they expect a girl who is liberal, highly sociable and not ‘too religious’ so that she would fit well into their family lifestyle, which involves a lot of partying with the rich and famous. She can’t act as she wishes as she will be expected to behave in a way that’s befitting a well-connected, elite family.
She would have to participate actively in all their social activities; she mustn’t be too close to her parents and must instead devote her time contributing to ‘his’ family functions. Gee, I wonder why his wife ran away and took the kids. After all the posh talk, when they were informed that she has a child, he suddenly became poor, claiming that he can’t afford to undertake the expenses of an extra child. So much for our elite Mr. Blue Chip Company and his fat pay-check. I guess his heart isn’t as big as his pay check.
Why do we still keep trying?
Well, I guess as tiresome as these arranged marriage proposals can be, some of us try to hang on to that ounce of hope that somewhere out there is a reasonably decent man waiting to be found, who does not have a nut loose upstairs.
Some of us manage to find our soul mates on our own but the rest of us might have to just keep grinning patiently and refrain ourselves from hitting certain people each time a ‘deranged’ proposal comes up, until that right one comes along!
