Friend of the People, Son of the Village, Servant of the Nation, Father of Democracy, Brother of Freedom Cousin of Human Rights, Close Relation of Media Freedom

September 2024,

Dear Nishtare,

Presidenshel Elecshen Gide

I am writing becose I want you to publish a smoll Gidebook. It is colled Presidenshel Elecshen Gide. First please note that this being typewritered by my Sectary Cyril Nitharamasuffering and there may be a few speling erros.

As you oll know, no one is more qwailified to write a Gide like this becose no one is more sucksessful at Presidenshel elecshen campains in all of Arsikland history:

Uncle Dickie - One Presidenshel elecshen campain - Result: TWO Presidenshel terms! Well done, you old Fox! Now, that is a record to be jellus of.

Luvdaasa Seeniyer - One Campain - One Win, sadly could serve only four years of his term!

DingiBands - NO campain. Two year presidenshel term. Olso probably the happiest President we have ever had! Becose he just did not want to get re-elected! That’s it, he gave up that dream happily and was happy all his life! Peeples in the USA are saying my good frend JoeBidey is grate for giving up a chance for re-elecshen! We oll know why JoeBidey gave that up… That is more like Trymeepala (Cumming up below)

LokuMadam - Two Campains - Two Wins. Smoll slip-up in the date of the oath takings and had to leeve a bit early. She and her Mummy, LokumaMadam gave me the opportunity to rise up from very humbel beginnings in my village of Kotaudagama. From Member of Parliment, to Minister, to Opposishen Leeder, Leeder of house and oll, she and  LokumaMadam were olways there.

His Glorious Honourable Excellency (Dr X 5) Chaminda Pusswedilla the 1st - Three Presidenshel Campains - Result: Two Wins, One 1st Runner-up. Technically left a bit early olso but behindsite is olways twenty twenty. Peeples ridiculing me when I left my preshes home, Coconut Trees, after losing. They saying that I left in a hurry and left my clothes behind olso. I left in a hurry to let peeples know, that as much as I loved my job, I respected the peeples voice more!

Trymeepala Boruwedilla - One campain. One win. One term. I am not going to say anything about his term becose I am biyased. Oll I can say is that what Trymeepala thought of his own performanse is simple “Not even barely good enough to contest the second time!” Think of oll the peeple who (admittedly never having even served an impotent public office before) who at least have some beleef that they can be President? Now think, even YOU did not have that beleef in YOU! That’s how bad it was…

Choolaabhaya Pusswedilla - One Campain. One Win. Part of a term. If you think I left in a hurry!! If you think he left becose he was scared, you are oll wrong! My malli is never scared, he left olso becose he respected the voice of the peeples! In his case of course it was much much louder, on account of the fact that they were at his doorstep!

Wikrama Nikamsimghe - One Campain (plus one on-going one) - One Loss. Two-year term of my Malli, handed on a platter to him, by me!

As you can see, from oll these peeples who have served as President, I am most qwalified to give addice to the Presidenshel candidates. But becose there are a lot of candidates, I will focus on the main three, I mean main four candidates only. Oll other candidates, please note I fully respect your right to seek the Presidency, that is garanteed in our constitooshen! But pleese understand that newsprint is expensive these days lu, so I will refer to any of you, only if you do or say something monumentally stupid or amazingly funny. Though I must remind you, topping the main four on both counts might take some doing!

I am olso having another part of this letter which is cumming with the next postman.

That’s oll for now. I will send Part 1 of 

Gide soon!

Thank you and you are welcome

President H.G.H.E. Chaminda Pusswedilla

KotaudaGama

Arsikland

Arsikland President Chaminda Pusswedilla to release Presidential Election Guide