His Glorious Honourable Excellency (Dr X 5) Chaminda Pusswedilla the 1st

Friend of the People, Son of the Village, Servant of the Nation, Father of Democracy, Brother of Freedom Cousin of Human Rights, Close Relation of Media Freedom

September 2024,

Dear Nistaar,

Presidenshel Elecshen Gide - 2

Further to my previyus letter, I am olso like to reminding you that even from across the big pond, in the USA, their two main candidates, my close frend JoeBidey’s number two, my closer frend Kamalakka and of corse my closer personal ackwaintance, DonaldTrumper, have been colling and asking addice. So, I am including the two of them olso from time to time in my addice list.

Let me list the three, I mean four main candidates in Arsikland:

Wikrama Nikamsinghe - Current President (got it on a platter from me, in case I hadn’t menshened it before). Not running from any party becose the Ali Party had a bit of a setback. He is claiming the Economic miracle but it looks like a lot of the peeples in the nashen did not get the memo! Machang, Wikrama, you know who is on your side no? You once told me that your dream was to sit in my chair. I made that dream possible. Then you told me that you want the peeples to put you in the chair. I have sent some of my best to help you, I have given you the strongest campain posishen any candidate can have, The Incumbency! If you lose this one, then my frend, I am sorry, but you will have to accept like some dreams are never meant to be!

Olso, Wikrama, some peeples sent me a meem with you wearing a very baggy pair of trowsers! Is that the new style? If it is then fine, but if not, maybe you should get a new tailor! Peeples are saying “How can Nikamsinghe hold up the economy when he can’t even hold his own pants!” This is not funny, it is Pant-Shaming and should be condemmed!

Ajith Luvdaasa - He running from the Telefone Party. Olways trying to be like his Appachchi. Very difficult putha. Olso, unlike your Thaaththi, you prefer wearing the Sapaari kit and oll. Just remember that when you become, no sorry sorry don’t get excited for lies, IF you become President, then the PSD, the Pusswedilla Security Divishen, sorry, I meant Presidenshel, they olso wearing Sapaari only. Peeples might get confused. There is olso something colled shoes, which peeples wearing on the feet. Try them from time to time. I mostly wearing Sarong only but even I wear shoes more than you do!

Waruna Kumara Disaawaknaa - Now that we are on the subject of clothing and footwear. There are social meediya posts going around saying that you are wearing two hundred dollar shirts lu, and oll expensive items lu. We oll know this is not true! Either that or you are not wearing those clothes for your meetings!!! Anyway Sahodaraya, you are olmost meshering the curtains at President’s house, oh wait you are not planning to use that? Remember, a Leader has to make tough choices and learn the most impotent lessen of oll: “You cannot pleese everyone, oll the time” 

I once said “Socialism does not olways start with an S. Sometimes it starts with a capital C!”

Banki Pusswedilla - My son. It seems like yesterday you were taking the family car for a ride without my blessings!! Ahh how qwickly childrens grow up and stop taking your preshes, hard-learned addice! I see that you are colling yourself “PunchiPuss” for this campain. This is good idiya. Remind peeples that you are my son! As for whose nephew you are, well, peeples know, so no need to remind.

As for my good frends in the USA, they do not have many many parties, I hearing that they don’t even serve refreshments after their elecshen rallies lu. I am covering this olso in Part 1 of my Gide.

Kamalakka Haaris - You are the surprise package Uncle JoeBidey unleashed on Trumper! There you were, sitting in the best seat in the WhiteHouse, watching your Boss, wondering when he would come to his senses and not run against Trumper! Forget White House, at his age JoeBidey should not be running for anything! Olso, smoll apology for the very strange conversation we had when you got the Nominashen from your party! I had told Cyril (Nitharamsuffering), my Sectary, to get this lady from my village on the phone to tell her NOT to run for the Presidency in Arsikland. Just then I hearing that you had been offishelly named as the Democratic Candidate and I tolding Cyril to get you on the phone to congratulate you and on account of the fact that Cyril is a certified ‘mati-lena’ (imbecile) he got the wrong lady on the phone. To make things worse she olso colled Kamala as in Kamalawathee!! Smoll mix-up becose I thought I was tolking to Kamala(wathee) from Kotaudagama when I was actually tolking to you! Apologees but hearing you are doing well in the polls!

My close personal ackwaintance Donald Trumper - You were olmost sure of the win and then you got the biggest advantage a Presidenshel candidate can ever get! You are an A.A.S!! Asssassinashen Attempt Survivor! As LokuMadam will tell you, this is usually a golden buzzer! But in her case she was the Head of State and you are (at this point at least) a Head of Hair! Anyway you , and US Democracy is lucky you survived becose no elecshen should be determined by one trigger-happy-finger!

That is my introduction. Gide cumming soon,

Thank you and you are welcome

President H.G.H.E. Chaminda Pusswedilla

KotaudaGama

Arsikland