While you are at home: Helping children cope during the COVID-19 pandemic: Part I

Teaching children how to be thankful even in the middle of a storm gives them a stronger education than any lesson plan could ever do – Pic courtesy UNICEF

By Sohani Fernando

The past weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least, shaking us to the very core, evoking mixed emotions from deep within namely: sorrow, grief, anger, frustration, fear, worry, depression, anxiety, confusion, tranquillity, calmness, empathy, love, and gratitude. 

Everyday activities have come to a standstill as we are forced to stay at home; in a flash, life has turned upside down with death and destruction of people’s livelihood across a large number of nations. Suddenly, we are faced with a stressor called uncertainty, the fear of the unknown not just to us as individuals, but to us as citizens of this world. 

This monumental problem of COVID-19 has forced us into a crisis-mode, with great devastation caused by something only visible under the microscope; coming to us like a thief in the night confronting our very existence. 

Spend time in reflection 

At this time of great pain and anguish, I urge you to spend time in reflection. Think about what life was before this global crisis and what it is right now. Reflection is one of those simple yet profound tools to manage stress. Reflect on all the positive things you have done for yourself and your family. Reflect on all the things you are thankful for. Reflect on what you can improve on, both now and in the future. Reflect on how you want to adjust your lifestyle to fit into this new norm as well as ways in which you can help others. 

Encourage your children to do the same, in an age appropriate manner. When we feel helpless, reflection helps put things in perspective. We are not alone in this battle and there are others enduring similar or far worse circumstances. The present crisis has affected all without prejudice; it struck everyone regardless of financial status, education, race, ethnicity or gender. 

Reflection confronts apathy and self-pity. We realise that due to COVID-19, large numbers of people are suffering from illness, demise of family members and friends, loss of employment, lack of daily wages, loneliness and abandonment. Reflection compels us to step back and think about the meaning of life. 

While we are frantically gathering supplies for the future, countless numbers of people in our nation aren’t able to procure their daily provisions. Perhaps, we might even know of a family, relative or a friend in a similar situation or maybe we ourselves are going through such challenges. 

We may realise that many people across the globe cannot get past thinking about alleviating the pangs of hunger or putting food on the table for their family. This realisation helps us to put our lives into perspective. It might even compel us to think twice before panic buying as there is a fine line between wisdom about storing supplies and hoarding.

Stop and be still

Needless to say, the daily activities on this planet have slowed down. It’s almost as if we are being forced to stop and be still from our busy lives. Perhaps we can reflect on the beauty of the Earth, the value of family, and count the many blessings we enjoy with thankful hearts. 

As the world has literally come to a standstill for most of us, let us not be consumed by listening to the news all the time, news that report all the devastating things going on in the world. Instead, take this opportunity to draw on your spirituality and appreciate what you have, including everything that you take for granted. 

Smell the fresh air for there is very little pollution these days, a rarity in the modern world. Tune your ears to the pleasant sounds of nature around you. If you don’t have the opportunity of stepping onto your balcony or garden space, be creative and go on a virtual nature walk, or better yet, close your eyes and think of it in your mind. 

You can, for example, tickle your sensations by imagining you are taking a walk in a park, trekking through a forest, enjoying the sights and sound of a waterfall, taking a dip in a pool or sitting on the beach gazing at the sunset while the sea breeze hits your face. 

Most people will acknowledge that the hustle and bustle of everyday life has profoundly changed us as human beings. Our jobs, families, education, lifestyles and aspirations have caused us to run at a faster pace than we ought to have, which has resulted in unhealthy habits detrimental to our mental and physical wellbeing. Unintentionally, our priorities have gone out of control and most of us have not been held accountable with our time here on Earth. 

We have been consumed by our worldliness and have forgotten righteousness and morality. We spend more time on our electronic devices than with our children and have either put unbearable expectations on them or perhaps we have not raised the bar high enough for them to reach for the stars. 

Some of us have unintentionally attempted to live vicariously through our children without encouraging them to thrive in their own aspirations. We have neglected our own wellbeing by not getting adequate rest and exercise. We have forgotten the simple and most important things of life, something the majority of us can relate to.

Now we have the opportunity to pause and smell the flowers, like Ferdinand did under a cork tree, by children’s literature author Munro Leaf. 

We don’t need a lot of materialism to be happy 

We don’t need a lot of materialism to be happy. All of a sudden the vegetable seller and the “choon paan” bread man have become our everyday heroes. 

By now, you may have realised that foregoing a meal is not the end of the world and that a thankful heart is indeed a cheerful heart. That there are plenty of opportunities to give to others and there is more joy in giving than receiving. That many people don’t have enough money in their hands to buy even government-subsidised food from the local vendors. 

That daily wage earners don’t have enough credit in their mobile phones to make urgent phone calls, let alone placing online delivery orders. That many don’t have access to the internet to purchase groceries for their daily needs. That money indeed cannot buy everything. That our cell phones and tablets could never replace human interactions. That you don’t need to have meat every day to fill your stomachs, having rice and pickles is more than what millions of people eat every day, even before COVID-19 ever invaded our world. 

That it is best to refrain from saying “I am starving” as a little rumble in our stomachs doesn’t mean that we are. That you don’t need branded items to be “cool”, and that being yourself and taking care of your inner beauty is worth more than gold. 

That nurturing your mental wellbeing is as important as your physical wellbeing and that teaching children how to be thankful even in the middle of a storm gives them a stronger education than any lesson plan could ever do. That guiding little ones to help others equips them to overcome self-pity and that empowering them to help themselves is more important than doing everything for them. That instilling life-skills will make a stronger impact on their future careers than any classroom lesson could. 

That we cannot take our material goods with us when we leave this world therefore it is not worth putting much energy into collecting things that do not matter. That you truly do have time to spare for your children, if you intentionally set it apart and that investment is far more valuable than any of the material goods you gift them. That our hunger to keep ourselves current on social media is competing with our children’s attention and they know it. 

That we only have a small window of time to win their trust before they find someone or something else that will catch their attention. That they mimic us whether we like it or not, so we need to be mindful of the expectations we put on them. That to gain everything in this world and lose our children’s trust is to gain nothing at all and that no amount of fame, position, riches, or status can ever take the time well spent with those we love the most. 

We must realise that whatever political affiliation we may have, we are thankful to have persons in authority, medical staff, military personnel and other frontline workers who are relentlessly pursuing the fight to flatten the incidence curve to curb this pandemic, even if it inconveniences us to the core! 

There is a plethora of online resources available during this time to help you and your families cope with the current pandemic. Most of these resources are relating to managing stress and have great similarities that have been tested time and time again and are scientifically supported. Stresses can be internal or external; in this situation an external stress has affected the entire planet, namely COVID-19. 

Like a domino effect, more and more countries are facing these challenges with awareness that we are all in it together. With this kind of setup, we need to take care of our own mental health and that of our children. 

It took me two weeks after the lockdown to start writing again. I couldn’t get my mind to focus as I was in a state of grief and despair. Although I am still saddened at the state of the world, I have made up my mind to humbly encourage others to the best of my ability. I encourage you and your children to keep a journal to log your thoughts to ease stress. 

I want to present you with the following tips from experiences gained while working with children as a psychotherapist and from my own personal experiences. I hope that my reflections are helpful to you as we all journey through these trying times together. 

Practice the art of reflection

By setting time daily to nurture yourself emotionally through quiet reflection, you as a parent will immensely benefit in the way that you connect with your children. There is only so much mental strength you have before you get to a point of burnout. So why not get a hold of your thoughts and process your feelings before the kids wake up? 

I encourage you to start the day quietening your thoughts and be clear of mind. Listen to the sounds around you, and tune your ears to nature or something pleasant. Meditate and engage in your spirituality and religious activities. This is worthy of attention, it will help immensely for the rest of your day. You will have inner calmness and strength to draw on as you face emotional ups and downs throughout the day. 

Plan for recharging moments

Your body is similar to a car in that it runs on a type of energy. You top up your car with your choice of energy source be it petrol, diesel, battery or electric charge and then run it; when you are out of energy, you refuel or re-charge again. 

Maintaining your car will help you run it for a long time or it will eventually fall apart. Similarly, you need to take care of yourself. During this time of great despair, plan to have breaks; I call these “recharging moments.” You don’t need long breaks, even 5 minutes of quietness or stress management exercises can ease tension and teach your children this as well. I encourage you to let it become a daily part of life, even after this pandemic is over. Practice the art of recharging daily! 

Be mindful of information overload

Without a doubt there is a hunger in most of us to be updated as much as possible about the situation of our country and the world. However, this does not mean that we cannot acquire news in a structured and limited manner. Rather than finding out the latest news every hour, intentionally block time to do so. 

Since the news is now full of harsh reality, reality that is devastating, painful, and traumatic, thereby I believe it is not advisable to listen to this negativity all day long. Instead, we need to offset it with positivity, even though it may be difficult to do so. Whatever we fill our minds with eventually manifests in the way we think, perceive and behave. 

The danger is that too much negativity can eventually turn into a clinical diagnosis of mental illness; the same goes for your children. If the television is constantly running news about COVID-19, or if we are on social media 24/7 clicking on every clip that comes our way, then what example are we setting before the children? 

What if we substitute “recharging moments” instead of “moments on social media”? Your children will start imitating you and develop stronger coping skills to face challenges in life instead of being consumed and overloaded with the news. Be mindful of addictions to social media which is a topic of its own!

Empathic and consistent communication

Don’t hide information from children; instead, explain the COVID-19 pandemic to them in the most age-appropriate manner. They probably have been exposed to the news; hiding the truth does not empower them. Parents will know their children best and will have to tactfully share information. You don’t need to talk about the pandemic multiple times a day or even daily. We must demonstrate great empathy towards children as after all, it wasn’t too long ago, that they went to school and upon return, they were told that their “April” holidays would begin from “tomorrow onwards” because of a deadly virus. 

There was no preparation ahead of time and they had to go into urgent crisis mode with everyone else. Our children were completely cut off from their schools, classmates, friends, neighbours, relatives, outings, trips, parties, shopping, etc., overnight. Now they know something is quite wrong with the outside world, they don’t have their favourite foods to eat, neighbours to play with and their friends to socialise with. 

Some have large houses to freely move in, while others have tiny spaces without proper ventilation in overcrowded conditions; yet others live in apartment complexes and high-rise buildings with very little opportunity to interact with nature. Therefore, I believe it is of utmost importance that you extend as much grace towards them as you can manage, daily. 

Facilitate emotional expressions

Expect your children to express a variety of emotions since they need outlets to let out their feelings. Adults need to be aware of their own emotions first so that they can demonstrate patience and empathy when children are expressing theirs. Regulate their emotions through stress management techniques such as the ones mentioned in the box.

(To be continued tomorrow.)

[The writer, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), is an independent Mental Health Consultant, Psychotherapist and School Counselling Supervisor.]